laff it off

1.These three blondes where going to purchase a
Christmas tree but they then decided to go into
the forest to chop down a real one.

The first blonde said "I dont care how long it
takes us I wont a perfect tree."

The other two blondes agreed saying "We won't
leave untill we find the right one."

Three days later they were still searching.
The first blonde looked at her two tired and
hungry friends and said "I promise the next
tree we come across we'll chop it down and
take it home and we wont care if it decorated
for Christmas or not."

2. A woman is getting married for the fourth time.

She tells her fiance,"You know I have been married
three times and I have never had sex."

He says,"Look, there is no way!
Married three times and never had sex? I don't
quite understand."

She explains, "The first husband was a scientist.
All he wanted to do was look at it and study it,
look at it and study it."

"My second husband was a psychologist. All he
wanted to do was look at it and talk about it,
look at it and talk about it."

"My third husband was a stamp collector.
Damn, I miss that man!"

3. A police officer was patrolling his neighborhood
late one night when he looked down an alley and
saw two women who were obviously very drunk. They
were stumbling and fumbling and laughing loudly.

The police officer drove into the alley thinking
he was going to bust some girls for consumption,
but when he pulled up to them, he saw that they
were nuns! Completely astonished, he said,

"Sisters, may I ask what you are doing out this
late at night?" One of the nuns responded, "Son,
we're helping Mother Superior." The officer was
amazed. "How in God's name is getting plowed out
of your mind going to help Mother Superior?"

Theother nun said, "she's constipated, and when
she sees us, she's going to shit!"

4. A blonde walks into her doctors office and
explains to the doctor that everywhere she
touches herself that it hurts. The doctor is
concerned and immediately begins to examine her.

He asks her to take off her shirt and then gently
pushes on her chest. "Does this hurt?" he asks.

She says, "No."

He then takes his hand and presses on her stomach
and again he asks, "Does this hurt?"

"No", she replies.

The doctor is puzzled. He then takes her hand and
touches her finger.

"Ouch," she yells.

He tells her to put her cloths back on.

She asks what he found.

He replies, "You have a broken finger."

5. A woman was trying to board a bus, but her skirt
was too tight and she couldn't step up. She
reached behind her and lowered the zipper a bit
and tried again. The Skirt was still too tight.
She reached behind her and lowered the zipper
some more. She still couldn't get on the bus and
lowered the zipper a third time.

All of the sudden, she felt two hands on her
butt, which proceeded to push her up onto the
bus.

She spun around, with anger in her eyes and said
very indignantly, "Sir, I do not know you well
enough for you to behave in such a manner!!"

The man smiled coyly and said, "Lady, I don't
know you well enough for you to unzip my fly
three times either!"