Jokes for your day....

Ife was going on his first plane trip to London. He went to the airport and it turned out the girl at the boarding gate was his cousin. Now Ife and his cousin hadn't seen each other in a few years. After exchanging hugs and pleasantries, the cousin told Ife, "I can get you upgraded to First Class if you want to." Ife replied, "Sure, I'll take the upgrade. I've never flown First Class before." Ife had actually never flown before.

Because he was in First Class, Ife was the first person on the plane, sitting in seat 1A. After he sat down, the flight attendant came by and asked if he would like a drink while they waited for everyone else to board. "Yeah, I'll have a double Jack and Coke", said Ife. While the flight attendant was gone to get his drink, the next passenger, a world-famous preacher boarded the plane and sat in seat 1B. "Hello, Preacher. Good to meet you," said Ife. 

The flight attendant then returned with Ife's drink and greets the preacher, "Hello, Preacher. Would you like a drink while we wait?" The Preacher, in an indignant tone, replies "Madam, I would rather be ravaged by twelve brazen ash... before I would allow one drop of liquor to ever touch my lips!" 

Ife looked at his drink, and then at the preacher. He handed the drink back to the flight attendant and said, "Take this back, I didn't know I had that option!"

Ike had his boss Obinna and his wife over for dinner one night. Ike dropped his knife under the table and noticed that Obinna's wife wasn't wearing any underwear! As Ike sat up, he cracked his head on the table. When he went to the kitchen to get some ice, Obinna's wife followed. 

While they were alone, she said "Did you like anything you saw under the table?" Ike replied, "I sure did!" Obinna's wife said "well you can have it for $500. Come over on Friday at 2:00 pm when my husband is at work!" So Ike went over there on Friday, has sex with Mrs. Obinna, gave her $500 and left.

Later Obinna came home from work and asked his wife if Ike stopped by. With a lump in her throat, she said "why yes, he did" Obinna then asked, "did he give you $500?" Even more nervous she said, "yes, as a matter of fact he did!" Obinna replied "Good, cause he dropped by work this morning and asked to borrow $500, and said he would pay me back after work."

John went on a 2-month business trip to Europe and left his cat with his brother. Three days before his return he called his brother.

John: So how is my cat doing?

Brother : He's Dead.

John: He's Dead! What do you mean He's Dead?! I loved that cat. Couldn't you think of a nicer way to tell me! I'm leaving in 3 days. You could of broke me to the news easier. You could of told me today that he got out of the house or something. Then when I called before I left you could of told me, Well, we found him but he is up on the roof and we're having trouble getting him down. Then when I call you from the airport you could of told me, The Fire Department was there and scared him off the roof and the cat died when it hit the ground.

Brother : I'm sorry...you're right...that was insensitive I won't let it happen again.

John: Alright, alright, forget about it. Anyway, how is Mom doing?

Brother: She's up on the roof and we're having trouble getting her down.

A man solves the problem of too many visiting relatives. He borrowed money from the rich ones and loaned it to the poor ones. Now none of them come back.

Two buddies were having a chat. Said one, "You know, I can trace my ancestors up the Family Tree."

The other replied," That's so? Well, far as I know, there are only two things that live on trees: Birds and Monkeys, and I see you have no feathers."