some laffables

1.  Two blondes are walking down the street.

One blonde finds a little  mirror, looks in it,
again, and again. Puzzled, she says to her friend,
"I just know I've seen this face before!"

"Give it to me", says the other blonde. She looks
in the mirror and says, "Of course, you silly!
It's me!!"

2.  This man goes into a pet store and asks the
owner for something special for his wife. The
owner says, "I have a parrot that sings Christmas
Songs". The man says, "I have to see that!". So
the owner takes out his lighter and holds it under
the parrots right foot and the parrot sings,
"Jingle bells, Jingle bells, Jingle all the way"
The man says, "Can he sing anything else?"
The owner holds the lighter under the parrots left
foot and the parrot sings "Up on the house top,
reindeer paws". The man says "I'll take it".

He takes the parrot home to his wife and tells
her the parrot sings. She says, "I want to see
that". The man takes out his lighter and holds
it under the parrots right foot and the parrot
sings "Jingle bells, Jingle bells, Jingle all the
way". Then he holds the lighter under the parrots
left foot and the parrot sings "Up on the house
top, reindeer paws". The wife says, "Can he sing
anything else?". The man says, "I don't know -
lets try".  He holds the lighter under the parrots
middle and the parrot sings "Chestnuts roasting on
an open fire...".

3.   
Theres these two guys and they trespass onto a 
farmers lawn and the farmer comes out. He tells
the 2 trespassers to come out and get 100 of any
fruit they like. The smart one gets 100 
strawberries and the farmer tells him to cram 
them all up his ass. After about 50 strawberries
he starts to laugh and the farmer asks why? He 
replies nuthin and at 75 just breaks out and 
laughs and laughs. Finnally, he tells the farmer
that his friend is picking watermelons. 

4.Let's face it -- English is a crazy

language. There is no egg in eggplant

nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor

pine in pineapple. English muffins

weren't invented in England or French

fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies

while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet,

are meat.



We take English for granted. But if we

explore it's paradoxes, we find that

quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings

are square and a guinea pig is neither

from Guinea nor is it a pig.



And why is it that writers write but

fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce

and hammers don't ham? If the plural of

tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of

booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one

moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices?



Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make

amends but not one amend, that you comb

through annals of history but not a

single annal? If you have a bunch of

odds and ends and get rid of all but one

of them, what do you call it?



If teachers taught, why didn't preachers

praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables,

what does a humanitarian eat? If you

wrote a letter, perhaps you bote your

tongue?



Sometimes I think all the English

speakers should be committed to an

asylum for the verbally insane. In what

language do people recite at a play and

play at a recital? Ship by truck and

send cargo by ship? Have noses that run

and feet that smell? Park on driveways

and drive on parkways?



How can a slim chance and a fat chance

be the same, while a wise man and a wise

guy are opposites? How can overlook and

oversee be opposites, while quite a lot

and quite a few are alike? How can the

weather be hot as hell one day and cold

as hell another?



Have you noticed that we talk about

certain things only when they are absent?

Have you ever seen a horseful carriage or

a strapful gown? Met a sung hero or

experienced requited love? Have you ever

run into someone who was combobulated,

gruntled, ruly or peccable? And where

are all those people who ARE spring

chickens or who would ACTUALLY hurt a

fly?



You have to marvel at the unique lunacy

of a language in which your house can

burn up as it burns down, in which you

fill in a form by filling it out and in

which an alarm goes off by going on.



English was invented by people, not

computers, and it reflects the

creativity of the human race (which, of

course, isn't a race at all). That is

why, when the stars are out, they are

visible, but when the lights are out,

they are invisible. And why, when I wind

up my watch, I start it, but when I wind

up this essay, I end it.

5.Clinton died and went to heaven; or to be more

accurate, the pearly gates. After knocking at the

gates, Saint Peter appeared. "Who goes there?"

asked Saint Peter. "'Tis I, your Lordship,

President Bill Clinton." "And what do you want?"

asked Saint Peter. "Lemme in," replied Clinton,

"Soooo," pondered Saint Peter. "What bad things

did you do on earth?"



Clinton thought a while and answered, "Well, I

smoked marijuana, but you shouldn't hold that

against me because I didn't inhale. I guess

I had extramarital sex, but you shouldn't hold

that against me because I didn't really have

sexual relations. And I lied, but I didn't

commit perjury."



After several moments of deliberation, Saint

Peter replied, "OK, here's the deal. We'll send

you someplace where it is very hot, but we won't

call it 'Hell'. You'll be there for an indefinite

period, but  we won't call it 'eternity'. And

don't 'abandon all hope' upon entering, just don't

hold your breath for it to freeze. 

http://www.geostring.com/?1067672