ease that stress

1.
Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs
are. The first man was an Engineer, the second
man was an Accountant, the third man was a
Chemist, the fourth was a Government Worker.

To show off, the Engineer called to his dog.
"T-Square, do your stuff." T-square trotted
over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen
and promptly drew a circle, a square and a
triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.

But the Accountant said his dog could do better.
He called his dog and said, "Pencil Pusher, do
your stuff." Pencil Pusher went out into the
kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He
divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies
each. Everyone agreed that was good.

The Chemist said his dog could do better. He
called his dog and said, "Measure, do your
stuff." Measure got up, walked over to the
fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounces
glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8
ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed
that was good. Then the three turned to the
Government Worker and said, "What can your dog
do?"

The Government Worker called to his dog and said,
"Coffee Break, do your stuff." Coffee Break
jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the
milk, dumped on the paper, sexually assaulted
the other three dogs, claimed he injured his
back while doing so, filed a grievance report
for unsafe working conditions, put in for
Worker's Compensation and took the rest of the
day off, with pay.

2.
A farmer and his brand new bride were riding home
from the chapel in a wagon pulled by a team of
horses, when the older horse stumbled. The farmer
said, "That's once."

A little further along, the poor old horse
stumbled again. The farmer said, "That's twice."

After a little, while the poor old horse stumbled
again. The farmer didn't say anything, but reached
under the seat, pulled out a shotgun and shot the
horse.

His brand new bride raised all kind of heck with
him, telling him, "That was an awful thing to do."
The farmer said, "That's once."

3.
Clinton died and went to heaven; or to be more
accurate, the pearly gates. After knocking at the
gates, Saint Peter appeared. "Who goes there?"
asked Saint Peter. "'Tis I, your Lordship,
President Bill Clinton." "And what do you want?"
asked Saint Peter. "Lemme in," replied Clinton,
"Soooo," pondered Saint Peter. "What bad things
did you do on earth?"

Clinton thought a while and answered, "Well, I
smoked marijuana, but you shouldn't hold that
against me because I didn't inhale. I guess
I had extramarital sex, but you shouldn't hold
that against me because I didn't really have
sexual relations. And I lied, but I didn't
commit perjury."

After several moments of deliberation, Saint
Peter replied, "OK, here's the deal. We'll send
you someplace where it is very hot, but we won't
call it 'Hell'. You'll be there for an indefinite
period, but we won't call it 'eternity'. And
don't 'abandon all hope' upon entering, just don't
hold your breath for it to freeze.

4.
A new soldier was on sentry duty at the main gate.
His orders were clear. No car was to enter unless
it had a special sticker on the windshield. A big
Army car came up with a general seated in the
back. The sentry said, "Halt, who goes there?"

The chauffeur, a corporal, says, "General Wheeler"

"I'm sorry, I can't let you through. You've got
to have a sticker on the windshield."

The general said, "Drive on!"

The sentry said, "Hold it! You really can't come
through. I have orders to shoot if you try
driving in without a sticker."

The general repeated, "I'm telling you, son, drive
on!"

The sentry walked up to the rear window and said,
"General, I'm new at this. Do I shoot you or the
the driver?"